Robert Florence is a Scottish presenter, comedian and poet most popularly known for starring in the popular BBC comedy sketch show Burnistoun, and the video game review shows Consolevania and videoGaiden.
His poetry collection is part autobiography and part lyric book. Examining everything from childhood to university to full fledged adulthood, its a great collection, touching and hilarious.
Essential reading for any poetry lover and a brilliant book for anyone who hates poetry too.
I MET BRUCE LEE IN SHETTLESTON
Check oot this wee prettyboy
Let’s rattle his wee jaw
I’ll knock his wee shades aff his face
Skelp his dish red raw
He’s looking at us
“Ho there, wee man!”
“That your mammy’s blouse?”
Noo he’s went aw quiet
He’s like a fuckin’ mouse
Haud oan. Is he vibratin’?
What’s happened to his face? Why’s he kicked his shoes aff?
This guy’s a mental case!
What’s that fuckin’ scream aboot? Why’s he in the air?
Why’s my ribcage in five pieces
Aw ower the flair?
Why am I in heaven, mammy?
Why have I nae heid?
I met Bruce Lee in Shettleston
And noo I’m fuckin’ deid.
20 THINGS THAT TAXI DRIVERS HAVE SAID TO ME
01- Where ye aff tae noo, shagger?
02- These wee birds are bad for my health
03- They’re giein’ the cunts free beds and free fridges
04- Dae ye support the Celtic yourself?
05- My wife moans when I’m workin’, she moans even mair when I’m no’
06- The cunt pulled oot this mad big machete I says “Where dae ye want me to go?”
07- This bird with big diddies was flashin’ us aw at the rank
08- I was years in the army, mate I’m trained to be drivin’ a tank
09- My wife disnae like me
10- My son works in Dubai
11- Are you that boy that shouts eleven?
12- Where do you think we go when we die?
13- I’m no sayin’ I’m racist but I don’t trust the bastarts ataw
14- See that wee photo up there? That’s my wee boy and my maw.
15- The polis are at it, they’re aw fuckin bad yins themsels
16- NewYearisawplayedootnoo, mate. You might as well just work the bells
17- I cannae go poetry, hauf of them don’t even rhyme
18-The system is loaded against us we’re stuck under the fuckin’ cosh of the elite as it’s always been and always will be, mate. We’re fuckin idiots for expecting anythin’ else. Independence? It’s aw a fuckin’ smokescreen. The cunts will carve it up for themselves as they always dae and we’ll be in the fuckin’ gutter, like rats.
19- Is just here alright for ye, mate?
20-My wife’s scared of cats.