Alan Bissett is a novelist, playwright and performer from Scotland. He lives in Renfrewshire.
He was born in Falkirk in 1975. David Bowie’s ‘Space Oddity’, re-released, was at Number One in the charts that week. He grew up in Hallglen, a housing scheme on the outskirts of Falkirk and the setting for much of his later work. He attended Hallglen Primary School, Falkirk High School and Stirling University, where he received a First in English and Education. During the summers he worked as a labourer at the Grangemouth petro-chemical plant. After graduating he worked very briefly as an English teacher at Elgin Academy, before going back to Stirling University and achieving a Masters degree in English. He supported himself by working part-time in Waterstones bookshop and around that time was short- or longlisted for the national Macallan / Scotland on Sunday Short-Story Competition four times in a row (1999, 2000, 2001, 2002). He also published his debut novel about growing up in Falkirk.
The Moria Monologues is based on the stories and characters Alan encountered growing up in the Hallglen area of Falkirk, where The Moira Monologues first premiered, Moira, her long-suffering pal Babs, her neighbour (Bawface), her laddies (they’re gid laddies, but they canny take their hash) and her wee dug Pepe, have left audiences all over the country weak with laughter.
Scene 1
Dugs
– I dinnay gie a FUCK if yer man’s a booncer!
Yer dug’ll no go near ma dug again. Or ken whit I’ll dae?
Want tay ken whit I’ll dae tay it?
I’ll take its baws an I’ll squeeze them like that
an see by the end?
It’ll look like it’s shat oot twa fuckin Pepperami!
An ken whit she says tay me, Babs?
Want tay ken whit this cheeky cow actually says?
– I’ll be phonin the cooncil aboot you, Moira Bell!
I’m sick an tireday your cairry-oan, Moira Bell!
An she’s jabbn yon bony finger at me like that, Babs
jab jab fuckin jab